There

Is turmoil, resentment and possibility even jealously boiling up within me. 

Never felt like this before. It's nearly rage and confusion, both swirled in and entangled because of this. 

I'm so lost it might even bring me to tears ... 

It's unhealthy. I've cut off a large majority of it from myself just to subdue it for now. It was almost an addiction I can say but now I think it must be withdrawn a bit from my life. 

All the effort, thoughts, emotions, I wanted them to manifest so fervently but I feel like it'll just be detrimental to me. It'll begin to eat my insides both because the other party doesn't seem to pay interest - let alone respect and I'm basically a little confused bitch that doesn't know jack shit about talking to girls. Fucking loser ikr. 

I think I'll begin meditating again. I don't think there are any valid solutions to this other than raw emotion + words face to face. For now it'll have to stop. Halt. Standby. Even though as much as I don't  want it to and because I feel like I've dedicated a solid section of my heart and soul to them, I'll just back fire like it always has. 

Sad. Fucking. Life....